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The Rabbi's new job!
A Rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory.
His job was to stand on the production line and as the batteries went by, say, "I wish you long life".
Job interview
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, " Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.
The dead duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1000!" she cried,
"£1000 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.... If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1000."
Buying a TV!
A Chossid (Hassidic) goes into an electrical store and asks how much a certain TV set costs.
“I am sorry,” says the salesman “we don’t sell TV’s to Chassidim (Hassidics).”
The next day he goes back dressed in a Homburg and short jacket, payos (sidecurls) hidden and goes over to the same television set, “How much is this TV?” he says “I want to buy it”.
“I am sorry we don’t sell TV’s to Chassidim!”.
On the third day he returns, this time he has cut off his payos, shaved off his beard and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. “How much is this TV?” he asks.
“I am sorry we don’t sell TV’s to Chassidim.”
“How do you know I am a Chossid?” he yells.
“Well sir, only Chassidim think microwaves are televisions.”
Submitted to KosherPages.com by Lippy.
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Eye test
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Swatting flies!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?" She asked
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
The fossil
From Israel comes the story of a guide who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
"That fossil in the glass case over there is two million and nine years old" he told them.
"How can you date it so precisely?" someone asked admiringly.
"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."
The butler
A Jewish couple in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery.
They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.
The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch.
The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for six.
Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for six when they had expressly asked him to set it for four.
The butler replied,"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes.
The loan
Reminiscing
Sophie had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Yet Hymie, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Sophie came to, she motioned for Hymie to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonny, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" Hymie gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
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