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Updates

Kosherpages Updates

March 05 Kosherpages launches 

December 05 - KP goes national.

June 06 - KP launches business networking events

January 07 - 1st B2B tradeshow

January 08 - 1st Kosher Lifestyle Show

August 08 - Parent & child networking event at the Odeon Manchester

September 08
- Launch of new film review section

September 08 - KP announces The Fed as chosen charity for this year

November 08 - Launch of new Medical Blog By Dr. Martin Harris

March 09 - Kosher Lifestyle Show Manchester

March 09 - Launch of The Kosher Brochure

May 10 - New Owners of KosherPages

June 10 - New look KosherPages

July 10 - KosherPages expands to include Jewish communities nation wide

July 10 - Pick of the Week is introduced to KosherPages - A joke, a quote, a Dvar Torah and more

August 10 - KosherPages now has a Facebook group - come and join us!

November 10 - Your health matters is added to KosherPages

November 10 - New addition to KosherPages - Kosher Fitness column

January 11 - KosherPages introduces "Your Pix" to Pick of the Week

July 11 - Safety First section is added to KosherPages

November 11 - The KosherPages Facebook group reaches 1,000 members

November 11 - KosherPages introduces the monthly competition

March 12 - KosherPages introduces new style "Shabbos Times & More" email. Click here to subscribe.

 

 

 

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The secret to a long life!

Wednesday, 3rd November 2010

 

A tough old cowboy from Nevada counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The son did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind:
14 children
30 grandchildren
45 great grandchildren
25 great great grandchildren
and  a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be!

 

Bad day!

Thursday, 28th October 2010

 

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, "Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about
it?

Moshe burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a  man crying. What's your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.
"I'm a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don'thave any insurance.  I left my  wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife had been spending on the credit cards and then my dog bit me. 
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 

Lawyers!

Wednesday, 20th October 2010

 

 A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of £10 million.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing £10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the 10 million quid that he embezzled from me is”.

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
 
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers? 
 

The Beggars

Wednesday, 13th October 2010

 

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement outside the Vatican. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
 
As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."
 

Noah's Ark in Today's Society...

Friday, 8th October 2010

 

G-d speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, G-d delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said G-d, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. G-d saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"G-d, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since G-d is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, G-d?"

"No," said G-d sadly. "The government already has!"
 

A visit to the dentist

Wednesday, 6th October 2010

 

One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"

The dog

Tuesday, 28th September 2010

A friend threw a stick a distance and commanded the dog, "Fetch!"

The dog looked up at him and began his diatribe:
"All day long people tell me what to do.
Roll over!
Jump!
Go through the fiery hoop!
Good dog.
Bad dog.
Sit!
Eat this!
Don't eat that!
I can't take it anymore. It's no fun being a dog. I hate it. I wish I were never born!

The fellow interrupted the dog and told him with a sense of outrage, "All I asked you to do was fetch."
The dog answered back with surprise, "Ohhhhhh! I thought you said "Kvetch".
 

The definition of tragedy!

Monday, 20th September 2010

 

Barack Obama, visiting a primary school, entered one of the classes.

The children were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". 

One little boy stood up and offered:

"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". 

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand:

"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the President, "that's what we would call a great loss." 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Barack searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" 

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the aircraft carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Barack Obama. "That's right, and can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

 

Kol Nidre Night

Wednesday, 15th September 2010

 Joe telephones Rabbi Levy. 

He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV." 

Rabbi Levy replies, "Joe, that's what video recorders are for." 

Joe is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

 

The Rabbi's new job!

Tuesday, 7th September 2010

A Rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. 

 His job was to stand on the production line and as the batteries went by, say, "I wish you long life".  

 

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