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Updates

Kosherpages Updates

March 05 Kosherpages launches 

December 05 - KP goes national.

June 06 - KP launches business networking events

January 07 - 1st B2B tradeshow

January 08 - 1st Kosher Lifestyle Show

August 08 - Parent & child networking event at the Odeon Manchester

September 08
- Launch of new film review section

September 08 - KP announces The Fed as chosen charity for this year

November 08 - Launch of new Medical Blog By Dr. Martin Harris

March 09 - Kosher Lifestyle Show Manchester

March 09 - Launch of The Kosher Brochure

May 10 - New Owners of KosherPages

June 10 - New look KosherPages

July 10 - KosherPages expands to include Jewish communities nation wide

July 10 - Pick of the Week is introduced to KosherPages - A joke, a quote, a Dvar Torah and more

August 10 - KosherPages now has a Facebook group - come and join us!

November 10 - Your health matters is added to KosherPages

November 10 - New addition to KosherPages - Kosher Fitness column

January 11 - KosherPages introduces "Your Pix" to Pick of the Week

July 11 - Safety First section is added to KosherPages

November 11 - The KosherPages Facebook group reaches 1,000 members

November 11 - KosherPages introduces the monthly competition

March 12 - KosherPages introduces new style "Shabbos Times & More" email. Click here to subscribe.

 

 

 

Do you have a joke you would like to share on KosherPages?

If so we would love to include it, please use our contact form to send it through to us.


The dead duck

Thursday, 26th August 2010

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.  

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1000!" she cried,

"£1000 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.... If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1000."

 

Buying a TV!

Thursday, 19th August 2010

A Chossid (Hassidic) goes into an electrical store and asks how much a certain TV set costs.
“I am sorry,” says the salesman “we don’t sell TV’s to Chassidim (Hassidics).” 

The next day he goes back dressed in a Homburg and short jacket, payos (sidecurls) hidden and goes over to the same television set, “How much is this TV?”  he says “I want to buy it”.
“I am sorry we don’t sell TV’s to Chassidim!”. 

On the third day he returns, this time he has cut off his payos, shaved off his beard and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. “How much is this TV?” he asks.  
“I am sorry we don’t sell TV’s to Chassidim.”
“How do you know I am a Chossid?” he yells.
“Well sir, only Chassidim think microwaves are televisions.”   

Submitted to KosherPages.com by Lippy.
If you have a joke that you would like to see on KosherPages.com please click here and send it in.

 

Eye test

Thursday, 12th August 2010

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Swatting flies!

Thursday, 5th August 2010

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"  She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?" She asked
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked,  "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
 

The fossil

Thursday, 29th July 2010

From Israel comes the story of a guide who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
"That fossil in the glass case over there is two million and nine years old" he told them.
"How can you date it so precisely?" someone asked admiringly.
"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."

The butler

Thursday, 22nd July 2010

A Jewish couple in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery.

They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves  with all the material wealth imaginable.
They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.
The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch.

The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for six.
Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for six when they had expressly asked him to set it for four.
The butler replied,"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes.
 

The loan

Thursday, 15th July 2010

 

Issy walks into a central London bank and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.  For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.  Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41.
 
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?" 
 
"Where else in central London could I park my car for two weeks for £9.41
 

 

Reminiscing

Thursday, 8th July 2010

Sophie had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. 
Yet Hymie, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Sophie came to, she motioned for Hymie to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, 
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times... 
When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me. 
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there. 
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side. 
When we lost our dear Jonny, you stayed right here. 
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... 
You know what?" 
"What dear?" Hymie gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth. 
"I think you bring me bad luck."     

The driver

Thursday, 1st July 2010

Abe was driving down the North Circular Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Abe's car, the policeman says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back."
Abe replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Chinese Jews

Thursday, 24th June 2010

Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

 

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